I know just how much I will hate myself when I am older and I try to read journal entries from my college days...and I don't have any. So much goes through my head, but when it comes to actually writing it down, I get lazy. And it's a shame because my life has changed so much in the last year. As 2008 comes to a close, I have been thinking a lot about where my life has been and where it's heading.
Aside from the momentous realization that my life is simultaneously ending and
beginning, I have been surprisingly optimistic about the future. This giant chapter that is my childhood, because college is so much like a childhood, is done. I'm coming on the last few months of irresponsibility, of ignoring my obligations, of sleeping in and blaming it on staying up too late, studying. I already feel too old for this. I get hangovers now. I drink wine. I get hangovers from wine
. And yet, I realize that I'm only twenty-one years old. I'm a baby. I still haven't had my first boyfriend and I watch cartoons with absolutely no intention of being ironic.
This is it. Life is starting. Jen, my very best friend...the girl who put up with me in high school, trusted only my opinion because I was the most honest, laughed with me about the most idiotic things, and held me through the most awkward times of my life...SHE'S GETTING MARRIED. She has a baby and she'll have a husband soon enough which, while the most exciting thing that could happen, is also the most fucking terrifying thing on Earth. Soon enough, the rest will follow and just like I attended a dozen quinceaneras in high school, I'll have to follow the same ridiculous party circuit formula in the next few years. Lather, rinse, repeat. I couldn't be happier, though. Weddings and babies are fun aside from them reminding me that I have yet to catch up. And maybe that's why I'm having a hard time imagining myself as a proper adult. I can't shake the feeling that I missed out on a lot of what others have experienced.
But this year has meant a lot to me. I learned that no matter what grades I get, what extracurricular activities I don't end up doing, and how terrible my resume looks, I am a good person and I am totally capable of achieving whatever I damn well please. I spent a glorious month in Brazil and came out of it thirsting for more of the world. I pledged for a sisterhood that pushed me to be a better person and taught me that the only person standing in the way of what I want is myself. I learned that I'm still stubborn. This will never change. Despite all the relationships blossoming around me, I learned that I only need myself to be happy. And I am happy. I am ridiculously and deliriously happy with life and everything that I've been lucky enough to have. My childhood may be ending, but I head into adulthood with a beautiful family, a great group of friends, an appreciation for everything around me, faith in the human race, faith in God, a sense of self, and no doubt that it will only get better.
Bring it on, 2009.
Current Mood: optimistic